It’s been a while

I thought I would get back to blogging today. I feel like I’ve abandoned these pages. So much has happened since I last posted. My head feels more structured and I feel like I can make more sense for longer periods. My executive function is still bad. ADHD symptoms are bad at the moment but awareness makes it easier to manage the bad days. I have been active on Instagram; those pages have been my lifeline. Instagram: identity4422 (In case you are interested).

I’ll share one of the posts that summarises the year I’ve had. I hope to share more on these pages. I’m coming into my next chapter entitled “ Living in authenticity. An autistic woman; life after a totally break down. As I have put this to paper I feel the familiar sense of panic and I breathe. I remind myself I have made it thus far


Instagram post

Wow it’s December already I say that with a panic but I have to give thanks. 22 January of this year I reached burn out at work. Lost verbal communication and my body and mind reached a state of exhaustion. Then my head went into a state of panic and it was total chaos.
In order to live it was time to face my demons and I started to write this pages. I had to face my demons of fear and shame. Life took me on this journey to hit rock bottom, tearing down my illusion of perfection. Ripped me open to the very core of my existence, I feel exposed. My quest to find my identity took me down a road I never expected but I am there, an Autistic with severe ADHD at the moment experiencing unbearable symptoms. I suffer from complex post traumatic stress disorder; one of the repercussions of being an undiagnosed autistic. My body is battered to exhaustion and my pain is excruciatingly high.
This year has been a journey into self awareness and self acceptance. I fought a losing battle trying to hold on to my illusion but as my life sunk lower and lower to rock bottom, I finally realised that the moral of the story is that real love is acceptance of me now just as I am and that’s the hard part. That’s the daily battle. When your self esteem is battered, you lose your self confidence and your self worth. You start to see yourself as less than human. That’s how low it can get.
My journey now is titled life after a total break down. My current struggle is getting the right support to restructure starting with being listened to and being understood. Trying to get past the mental health label and the anxiety/ communication difficulties is proving rather challenging. Having to explain your illness is exhausting.
Progress has been slow and painful but there has been progress and I am thankful.
I am looking forward to the new year. The new chapter. I have no pre trauma memory so while moving on is scary, it’s exciting. I get to decide what goes on those pages from now on, consciously aware of my own truth #letstalkaboutmentalhealth #mentalhealthblogger #mentalhealthblog #endthestigma #selflovejourney #selfacceptance #selfawareness #mentalillness

Turmoil

You can’t expect to get healing from the place that caused you pain and I know I need space from my family. Not in malice but I need space from my family. This decision has had to come with awareness. Not from a place of anger but from a place of understanding. Understanding that I have to create this distance because it’s necessary for my growth. My growth as an adult woman. I cannot blame anyone for how I feel but I cannot deny how I feel. I feel a sense of shame around them. I always have. I have always felt exposed. I feel my mother has thrown me under the bus. I feel a need to be validated around them, that is not their fault and I’ve always felt not good enough. I love them but I don’t trust them and that’s not a good feeling. So I need the separation, I need space to figure out how I feel. I don’t need the pressure of trying to pretend I’m okay when I’m not or to feel I need to rush to get well. I need the freedom to explore who I am without having to feel I am an embarrassment. I no longer want to feel that emotion but being attached to them, that’s just what I feel.

It’s a strange one but I love my family but I also know that no one has cared enough to find out how I feel. No one has really come around me but they have all these expectations. I cannot live up to all these expectations. I’ve learnt to internalise panic, I’ve learnt to internalise fear but it’s written on my body. I need to find my truth and live my truth whether it’s okay with you or not. For me this existence is no longer an option. For a long time I resisted this process. But the longer I left it, the worse I became until a total collapse, undignified, stripped of self confidence and dignity. I need to sort out my life. I can no longer live this lie. It’s time to face my reality.