Written 23/01/19 @ 19:34 hours. To my females with Aspergers group and females with adhd group. Not so sure about the response though

Good evening ladies. I’m at crossroads in my career well I’m at crossroad with everything in my life at the moment but I will like to address career today.
I am a paediatric nurse with 16 years experience. I love nursing children. However the politics and everything else that came with it really put me off. I had to leave clinical nursing for family balance and I have been working in commissioning. I have become so frustrated with the system that I no longer want to be a part of it. My job entails assessing children who have health needs over and above is being currently provided by the NHS. I recommend the support packages needed to support their health and sit on a panel with social care and education (who have also assessed as required) to request funding for the recommended packages. I see the suffering and understand the suffering of families ( because I am those families in my private life) and listen to the responses and views of the professionals on the panel. I see how much money is being squandered on reaction to crisis instead of investment to save in support systems that actually make a difference. I see support systems created by people with good intentions who haven’t got a clue that their amazing ideas are actually not what the service users need or they will never engage with the service because the lack of understanding of the service users needs has made it not fit for purpose. I have lost all belief in a system I represent and I don’t know what to do about it.
I am trying to be rationale and not walk away from my job as it is contract and that ends in March. Financially I am not able to leave my job and doing so will make things worse. So I am trying to find a plan that will keep me going knowing that I will eventually be able to do something that truly makes a difference.
My thoughts were to try and create a service that supports women and females on the spectrum especially women with late diagnosis. I am one of those women and Autism is not one of my problems. As an adult woman most of my problems are the traumas I live with that developed as a result of not being supported as a person with autism and my struggles to compensate for my limitations. That is individual to most people with autism that’s why we don’t all turn out the same. We are individuals, we are people, we are different. You know one autistic person, you know one autistic person. You get the gist.
I am thinking of sending out a survey to as many women with autism as I can. The criteria will be late diagnosis 18 and above so all adult women.

I will like to know if they had access to a support service what support would they require to lead a functional life

What does a functional/ fulfilling life mean for you?

Secondly what are the issues women have struggled with that led them to seeking diagnosis

Would you be interested in helping with my survey please? I need to do something and I need to start somewhere. I apologise for taking up your time.
I’d appreciate it if you are able to show your interest in the comments below.
I will also post in the ADHD group as well because we coexist in many cases and it will make sense to have a service that includes both.

Thank you.

Sharing a thought on 20/01/19 @ 03:09 hours

Today I can finally admit I was a fraud. Nobody knew me because I didn’t know myself.

The beginning

I have started this blog for my sanity or what is left of it. I am at a place where I am struggling to stay alive. The sucidal thoughts are strong. I am fighting on a daily basis for the children that have chosen my as their mother. Right now I don’t feel worthy and I know I am letting them down but the biggest guilt is the emotional deficit that my leaving this world will cause in their lives. However I cannot continue to live like this because for me death before you die is worse than physical death.
My struggles with mental health has been for most of my adult life and I had struggles as a child. I came from a place of fear of Mental illness, ignorance of mental health, fear of Mental health, fear of people finding out and ignorance regarding treatment. Being a black African woman with first hand knowledge of the stigma of Mental health was real. My uncle has schizophrenia and I witnessed and still witness the suffering he has had to endure due to his illness.
I continued to go around in circles in survival mode as a functional depressive. It seemed that all my efforts where failing, life started to close in on me and at that point I came to the realisation that I had to surrender.
My life did not make sense. I didn’t even like the person I had become. It had got to that’s point where I started to question my identity:
“Who am I?”
“What is my purpose?”

The “Who am I” was the hardest journey I have ever had to go through in my life. Most people at one point or another ask this question because it is not uncommon for us to lose ourselves in the journey of life being a parent, a spouse, trying to secure financial security e.t.c but for me the farther back in life I went I realised that I had always struggled with identity. In trying to find my identity I have opened the proverbial PANDORA’s BOX.
This is a journey that I have had to take alone because of my deep rooted distrust. I had discovered that my struggles stem from the desperation of trying to fit in and trying to navigate a neurotypical world with a lack of understanding.
I was recently diagnosed with ASD ( formerly Aspergers) PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance) subtype. I was also diagnosed with severe ADHD.
I cannot find the words to describe the last 4 years of my life but I have had to face the demon that has kept kept me in bondage to start to release myself. The demon of FEAR.
Now I realise that in order to move forward I have to release the Demon of SHAME. I have realised that in order for me to live in my truth I have to rewire my brain of it’s learned behaviour. In my quest for direction I have to be clear so that I attract the energy that will bring positivity and light to me life.
I will like to use this platform to release my thoughts, to get and receive encouragement, for healing, for practical advice, for forgiveness, to find peace, for self acceptance, to promote awareness, for education, to stomp out ignorance.
I am on a journey to master self love in the discovery of the person I was create to be.
I am grateful for my journey so far because through the pain I am realising that life journey is preparation for my greater good.
I am on a journey to finding my purpose.