Today I can finally admit I was a fraud. Nobody knew me because I didn’t know myself.
I have started this blog for my sanity or what is left of it. I am at a place where I am struggling to stay alive. The sucidal thoughts are strong. I am fighting on a daily basis for the children that have chosen my as their mother. Right now I don’t feel worthy and I know I am letting them down but the biggest guilt is the emotional deficit that my leaving this world will cause in their lives. However I cannot continue to live like this because for me death before you die is worse than physical death.
My struggles with mental health has been for most of my adult life and I had struggles as a child. I came from a place of fear of Mental illness, ignorance of mental health, fear of Mental health, fear of people finding out and ignorance regarding treatment. Being a black African woman with first hand knowledge of the stigma of Mental health was real. My uncle has schizophrenia and I witnessed and still witness the suffering he has had to endure due to his illness.
I continued to go around in circles in survival mode as a functional depressive. It seemed that all my efforts where failing, life started to close in on me and at that point I came to the realisation that I had to surrender.
My life did not make sense. I didn’t even like the person I had become. It had got to that’s point where I started to question my identity:
“Who am I?”
“What is my purpose?”
The “Who am I” was the hardest journey I have ever had to go through in my life. Most people at one point or another ask this question because it is not uncommon for us to lose ourselves in the journey of life being a parent, a spouse, trying to secure financial security e.t.c but for me the farther back in life I went I realised that I had always struggled with identity. In trying to find my identity I have opened the proverbial PANDORA’s BOX.
This is a journey that I have had to take alone because of my deep rooted distrust. I had discovered that my struggles stem from the desperation of trying to fit in and trying to navigate a neurotypical world with a lack of understanding.
I was recently diagnosed with ASD ( formerly Aspergers) PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance) subtype. I was also diagnosed with severe ADHD.
I cannot find the words to describe the last 4 years of my life but I have had to face the demon that has kept kept me in bondage to start to release myself. The demon of FEAR.
Now I realise that in order to move forward I have to release the Demon of SHAME. I have realised that in order for me to live in my truth I have to rewire my brain of it’s learned behaviour. In my quest for direction I have to be clear so that I attract the energy that will bring positivity and light to me life.
I will like to use this platform to release my thoughts, to get and receive encouragement, for healing, for practical advice, for forgiveness, to find peace, for self acceptance, to promote awareness, for education, to stomp out ignorance.
I am on a journey to master self love in the discovery of the person I was create to be.
I am grateful for my journey so far because through the pain I am realising that life journey is preparation for my greater good.
I am on a journey to finding my purpose.