It’s been a while

I thought I would get back to blogging today. I feel like I’ve abandoned these pages. So much has happened since I last posted. My head feels more structured and I feel like I can make more sense for longer periods. My executive function is still bad. ADHD symptoms are bad at the moment but awareness makes it easier to manage the bad days. I have been active on Instagram; those pages have been my lifeline. Instagram: identity4422 (In case you are interested).

I’ll share one of the posts that summarises the year I’ve had. I hope to share more on these pages. I’m coming into my next chapter entitled “ Living in authenticity. An autistic woman; life after a totally break down. As I have put this to paper I feel the familiar sense of panic and I breathe. I remind myself I have made it thus far

Instagram post

Wow it’s December already I say that with a panic but I have to give thanks. 22 January of this year I reached burn out at work. Lost verbal communication and my body and mind reached a state of exhaustion. Then my head went into a state of panic and it was total chaos.
In order to live it was time to face my demons and I started to write this pages. I had to face my demons of fear and shame. Life took me on this journey to hit rock bottom, tearing down my illusion of perfection. Ripped me open to the very core of my existence, I feel exposed. My quest to find my identity took me down a road I never expected but I am there, an Autistic with severe ADHD at the moment experiencing unbearable symptoms. I suffer from complex post traumatic stress disorder; one of the repercussions of being an undiagnosed autistic. My body is battered to exhaustion and my pain is excruciatingly high.
This year has been a journey into self awareness and self acceptance. I fought a losing battle trying to hold on to my illusion but as my life sunk lower and lower to rock bottom, I finally realised that the moral of the story is that real love is acceptance of me now just as I am and that’s the hard part. That’s the daily battle. When your self esteem is battered, you lose your self confidence and your self worth. You start to see yourself as less than human. That’s how low it can get.
My journey now is titled life after a total break down. My current struggle is getting the right support to restructure starting with being listened to and being understood. Trying to get past the mental health label and the anxiety/ communication difficulties is proving rather challenging. Having to explain your illness is exhausting.
Progress has been slow and painful but there has been progress and I am thankful.
I am looking forward to the new year. The new chapter. I have no pre trauma memory so while moving on is scary, it’s exciting. I get to decide what goes on those pages from now on, consciously aware of my own truth #letstalkaboutmentalhealth #mentalhealthblogger #mentalhealthblog #endthestigma #selflovejourney #selfacceptance #selfawareness #mentalillness

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Identity 4422

Coming to terms with late diagnosis of Autistic spectrum disorder- Pathological Demand Avoidance Sub type. I also have severe ADHD and have battled depression and anxiety for most of my adult life. Well most of my life really. I am at complete burnout in my life;physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. My mental and physical health is pretty bad at the moment. However I have been through the darkest hours and I have made it alive. I have survived life in flight and flight mode. I have lived with extreme fear subconsciously all my life. Fear or failure, fear of getting found out. I have lived with shame. I tried to live up to the fantasy of what I thought life should look like in my head and my fantasy became my reality. In order to move forward with my life, I need to begin to live in my truth. But where do I start? I’m nearly 40 years old. I start by facing my demons fear and shame. When I asked the question who I’m I? The universe started a chain reaction and I’m starting to trust my journey. I believe that everything I have been through is in preparation of what is to come. You never know who resilient you are until you have to face the situation and I am grateful for my journey. I asked the question “what is my purpose” the universe started a chain reaction. My life is like an unfinished jigsaw, every piece is one step closer to the complete masterpiece. I am Autistic I am a work in progress

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