Turmoil

You can’t expect to get healing from the place that caused you pain and I know I need space from my family. Not in malice but I need space from my family. This decision has had to come with awareness. Not from a place of anger but from a place of understanding. Understanding that I have to create this distance because it’s necessary for my growth. My growth as an adult woman. I cannot blame anyone for how I feel but I cannot deny how I feel. I feel a sense of shame around them. I always have. I have always felt exposed. I feel my mother has thrown me under the bus. I feel a need to be validated around them, that is not their fault and I’ve always felt not good enough. I love them but I don’t trust them and that’s not a good feeling. So I need the separation, I need space to figure out how I feel. I don’t need the pressure of trying to pretend I’m okay when I’m not or to feel I need to rush to get well. I need the freedom to explore who I am without having to feel I am an embarrassment. I no longer want to feel that emotion but being attached to them, that’s just what I feel.

It’s a strange one but I love my family but I also know that no one has cared enough to find out how I feel. No one has really come around me but they have all these expectations. I cannot live up to all these expectations. I’ve learnt to internalise panic, I’ve learnt to internalise fear but it’s written on my body. I need to find my truth and live my truth whether it’s okay with you or not. For me this existence is no longer an option. For a long time I resisted this process. But the longer I left it, the worse I became until a total collapse, undignified, stripped of self confidence and dignity. I need to sort out my life. I can no longer live this lie. It’s time to face my reality.

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Identity 4422

Coming to terms with late diagnosis of Autistic spectrum disorder- Pathological Demand Avoidance Sub type. I also have severe ADHD and have battled depression and anxiety for most of my adult life. Well most of my life really. I am at complete burnout in my life;physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. My mental and physical health is pretty bad at the moment. However I have been through the darkest hours and I have made it alive. I have survived life in flight and flight mode. I have lived with extreme fear subconsciously all my life. Fear or failure, fear of getting found out. I have lived with shame. I tried to live up to the fantasy of what I thought life should look like in my head and my fantasy became my reality. In order to move forward with my life, I need to begin to live in my truth. But where do I start? I’m nearly 40 years old. I start by facing my demons fear and shame. When I asked the question who I’m I? The universe started a chain reaction and I’m starting to trust my journey. I believe that everything I have been through is in preparation of what is to come. You never know who resilient you are until you have to face the situation and I am grateful for my journey. I asked the question “what is my purpose” the universe started a chain reaction. My life is like an unfinished jigsaw, every piece is one step closer to the complete masterpiece. I am Autistic I am a work in progress

3 thoughts on “Turmoil”

  1. Identity 4422, your blog will soon be added to our Actually Autistic Blogs List (anautismobserver.wordpress.com). Please click on the “How do you want your blog listed?” link at the top of that site to customize your blog’s description on the list (or to decline).
    Thank you.
    Judy (An Autism Observer)

    Like

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