Starting to explore my relationship with food

I’ve always had a very strange relationship with food since I remember myself and it was mostly dodging eating something or running away from the smell of something. And I wasn’t a child that was fazed by the if you don’t eat it you’ll get nothing else. Well I would happily starve, I don’t want it thank you and so that’s probably some of the foundation. No one knew at the time I was autistic. I was just a strong headed kid who liked her own way and didn’t like to do as she was told. As an adult I think of the things I liked as a child if I had my way and it was very restricted by I probably had nutrition from every food group and I liked what is now know as the superfoods. Sour sap is now classed as a superfood and I grew up in Nigeria where we had the tree in our compound so I lived off sour Saps and mangoes and guava. I never liked pawpaw (papaya), I can’t tolerate the texture. My taste has expanded as I’ve become older because I guess I haven’t been forced to consume anything under duress so I have slowly tried new things and found it is not as bad as my mind believed. As a teenager, I probably started using food as a form of control, it was the only thing I could control when everything else is a mess and guess this has spiralled into adulthood. As the pressures of adult life mounted executive dysfunction became worse and I started to forget to eat and they had started the downwards spiral in the past when I was not aware. In times of stress my body shuts down. The relevance of my story is that I have to be conscious of my triggers in order to change my responses to them for change to occur. When you don’t walk in consciousness, you have a greater chance of reverting back to your old coping mechanisms. This was my reason for stopping my Ritalin when I did when my body collapsed in January. My body and mind was going through extreme stress and with the addition of the side effects of Ritalin, I didn’t stand a chance. I lost 15 kgs in a month and I was getting to a dangerous place. It’s harder to comeback from that dangerous place (ed survivors will know this so well). My blood pressure was starting to be affected and seeing as no medical professional felt I was a worthy cause, I had to realise I was a worthy cause. I stopped my Ritalin in order to focus on feeding my body. I am far from giving my body the nutrition it deserves but I am proud of myself for not allowing it go to dangerously low levels this time. My mind needed building and you can’t get your mind strong without food. Your chemistry goes out of balance when you starve your body. My end goal is to be as healthy as I can be without compromising taste because I will like to begin to associate food with as a wonderful experience which I also partake in. I’ve never really understood the concept of dieting, low fat foods ( it changes the taste for me), I’d just rather go without so I guess I will have to work with healthier versions of what I like, a better structure with eating including remembering to eat whether I’m hungry or not, regularly. I am aware of the beast within me and I will shame the beast because I am worthy. I am worthy of living a healthy life and my body and mind are worthy of nutrition.

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Identity 4422

Coming to terms with late diagnosis of Autistic spectrum disorder- Pathological Demand Avoidance Sub type. I also have severe ADHD and have battled depression and anxiety for most of my adult life. Well most of my life really. I am at complete burnout in my life;physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. My mental and physical health is pretty bad at the moment. However I have been through the darkest hours and I have made it alive. I have survived life in flight and flight mode. I have lived with extreme fear subconsciously all my life. Fear or failure, fear of getting found out. I have lived with shame. I tried to live up to the fantasy of what I thought life should look like in my head and my fantasy became my reality. In order to move forward with my life, I need to begin to live in my truth. But where do I start? I’m nearly 40 years old. I start by facing my demons fear and shame. When I asked the question who I’m I? The universe started a chain reaction and I’m starting to trust my journey. I believe that everything I have been through is in preparation of what is to come. You never know who resilient you are until you have to face the situation and I am grateful for my journey. I asked the question “what is my purpose” the universe started a chain reaction. My life is like an unfinished jigsaw, every piece is one step closer to the complete masterpiece. I am Autistic I am a work in progress

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