It was a good day

I am thankful that every time I start to lose faith in humanity again, the Divine reminds me there are good people again.  I have been in a funk for a few days.  Well more than a few days.  Since my daughter’s last competition, I’ve been down in the dumps.  I had a few days of panic about my current situation and I had to sit myself down and rationalise that I have got this far by faith and I have to keep believing especially on days that the demon of panic was rearing it’s ugly head but I think the other thing that really got me down was seeing people who I thought were friends show their asses for who they truly are and let their masks slip. And for me that’s all it takes for me to know what time of day it is and retreat to my lane.  But it sucks it’s sucks when you find out that the only one in the relationship with the friend status was you.  The other was keeping their competition close in order to gain information to use to their advantage.  People who get close enough and build enough trust where you allow them to see you vulnerable.  People who will use their own ropes to hang themselves because their tongues become loose when they are intoxicated with liquor, jealously and hate.  Then you sit back and watch the soap opera and it becomes really clear that you have been playing the part of the joker.  I’ve had my grieving period and now the joke is on them.  I’m out and I’m wiser I know what time of day it is.

So that’s why today gave me joy.  I spent the day with a friend.  When I say a friend, this girl is my twin flame.  I met her 13 years ago, we both brought our 3 and 4 year olds to a ballet class a local church and she said, “you were the only one who spoke to me”.  I said to her “I had reason to speak to you.  You needed help with your buggy”. And we left the ballet and my daughter started another ballet school, a few weeks later, she enrolled at the school by coincidence.  We left ballet and started gymnastics; a few years later her daughters enrolled at the gym.  And we start and lose touch but the universe always manages to bring us back together.  We are both of separate journeys but it is amazing how parallel our journeys are running.  Even though we have different stories, our experiences are similar and we are both in a place that we are starting to take personal responsibility for our recovery.  I have been speaking to her about how I feel and she has given me many words of encouragement.  She is a very talented woman who needs to belief in herself because her future is bright.  She has everything it takes to make it as a star and she has the heart of gold to match.  I am humble to know such a beautiful person and I know her journey so I am extra proud of the woman she has become.  I am so excited for her future.

Are she has to do is believe because she has all it takes. I have agoraphobia and social anxiety so I only go out of my home for a purpose of absolute necessity. My self confidence is at an all time low and these are things I need to work on. I am aware now that I have always relied on another person to navigate the world and it makes sense that this is how I coped as an autistic woman. This will not be necessary if people where authentic and meant what they said but I am starting to realise that I have always needed someone I trust to translate other humans to my understanding. What did they mean by that? And so on. It was better when I was younger but as people grow, dynamics of friendships change and even people you thought you could trust change. This is a real challenge and frustration for me as a woman with autism because no matter how “normal” I look and eloquent I sound, that naive part of my brain will believe you literally and not understand you are just being polite. When I start to trust you, I drop my guard and I always get had. That’s why it’s so lonely. I think that why autistic people stop trusting and become loners because they are tired of people fucking them up. But it’s nice on a day like today when I spent the day with a friend reminiscing about the past and my decline because I began to dance to the tune of the piper and live up to other people’s expectations. She said something powerful today which rocked my soul because it was the absolute truth. I said “You gave him the kind of love you should have given to yourself”. That is what I need to do if I give myself the kind of love I gave him, the sky will be the limit and I was ooze love. I understand now why he couldn’t reciprocate because you have to be love to appreciate that kind of love. Thank God for awareness for me. So I rejoice in today. I have spent a lot of time at home with the highlights of my day some days posting on Instagram to keep my energy high and focus on keeping my mind strong and change my mindset. Along the way I started to panic and wanted to hurry things up abit. This is learning for me. I’m learning to surrender so when I step out of line, it’s easier for me to recognise. I have to step up my game now my mind is stronger. I have to venture out and this causes me great anxiety. My Divine will never give me more than I can bear, he has sent my friend back in my life at a time we can support each us without either of us being dependent and I think that it important to the both of us. We are both free spirits and we need to feel that independence. “Humanity is like the ocean, if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty”- Ghandi . Never lose faith in humanity for every 5 rotten apples out there, life has taught me that there is 1 genuine person. Just do you and don’t let anyone change you. Have your rant, feel your anger, learn your lesson, forgive and release them from your spirit and walk the fuck out of there singing praises you are wiser and know better now.

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Identity 4422

Coming to terms with late diagnosis of Autistic spectrum disorder- Pathological Demand Avoidance Sub type. I also have severe ADHD and have battled depression and anxiety for most of my adult life. Well most of my life really. I am at complete burnout in my life;physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. My mental and physical health is pretty bad at the moment. However I have been through the darkest hours and I have made it alive. I have survived life in flight and flight mode. I have lived with extreme fear subconsciously all my life. Fear or failure, fear of getting found out. I have lived with shame. I tried to live up to the fantasy of what I thought life should look like in my head and my fantasy became my reality. In order to move forward with my life, I need to begin to live in my truth. But where do I start? I’m nearly 40 years old. I start by facing my demons fear and shame. When I asked the question who I’m I? The universe started a chain reaction and I’m starting to trust my journey. I believe that everything I have been through is in preparation of what is to come. You never know who resilient you are until you have to face the situation and I am grateful for my journey. I asked the question “what is my purpose” the universe started a chain reaction. My life is like an unfinished jigsaw, every piece is one step closer to the complete masterpiece. I am Autistic I am a work in progress

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